Graffitti


For his thirteenth birthday Doug requested that he be given no presents. The formal family gathering—it could hardly be called a birthday party—included only his best friend Jacob and the old polish couple that lived down the block in addition to his mother, father and two younger brothers. Doug had read in a large leather-bound volume that the noble Raccoon spent its entire life in service to friends and family. A scientific introduction to Raccoon, accompanied by eight pen sketches and one centerfold watercolor, preceded the biblical story of Uziah the Hitite, who, as a humble servant to all, stood in high regard with the Lord.



“I will be like Raccoon.” Doug announced over the thirteen flickering candles that adorned his birthday cake. His mother and father stood arm in arm bemused and unreadable.



In school was a young girl, a Hmong, whose anglicized name was Vickie. Her cheeks, red from the September wind, rose up around her eyes like makeup. Doug helped carry her books to and from Math and Science and helped carry her flute to Music class. During lunch he brought an extra piece of Rhubarb pie for her and accepted a spoon of her butterscotch pudding. He never told her about Sunday school or all the Jewish people he knew but every week he introduced her to another animal from his father’s big book. Sometimes he remembered passages from the books, often he invented original tales for his courageous animals, working together in families or pairs to survive and beautify the natural world.



In the world of animals love is not an option but an instinct. On weekends Doug and Jacob walked into the woods to find perfectly straight sticks. Hidden behind trees they used Jacob’s Swiss Army knife to whittle their sticks into staves, swords, javelins, atl-atles, bows and flagpoles. They dreamed of being lost, stranded at sea, without Internet or caught up in an apocalypse. Jacob’s parents were divorced but he did very well in school and had been moved up a grade twice during kindergarden, a secret he shared only with Doug. Jacob's father used to take him into the wilderness beyond the salt piles to shoot pellet guns and build military shelters with the wide low-hung spruce branches before he found another wife and moved to Seattle. With their sticks finished the two boys ran between the narrow saplings screaming and stabbing their spears at fallen leaves. Doug wanted to tell Jacob about Vickie, who danced along the shale cliffs of his memory even as he pressed the knife's blade against the wood and removed a curling strip of its flesh.



"Have you seen anything on China?" He tried to sound disinterested or at least noncommittal. They lay cooled by sweat, taking short pulls of air and feeling blood swish like surf through their bodies. Jacob rolled forward, jabbed his stick into the dirt and vaulted himself back into the upright world. Without loosing momentum he began weaving through the trees, circling Doug where he lay pressed into the soil by something more than gravity so that he regarded himself as lying vertical while Jacob and the trees stuck out from the earth-wall like on some giant carnival peg board. He lay completely still listening to the footfall. Finally Jacob lay back against the earth.

"Like read anything about it or seen on TV you mean?"

"Yeah..." Jacob was smiling but Doug refused to meet his gaze.

"Because all the Hmong kids? I have a friend who's Hmong."

"You do?" Doug forgot to mask his excitement so that the two of them were once again drinking from the same cup. They sat up together and began examining the pierced leaves bunched up at the ends of their spears.

"His name is Andrew but that's not his real name."

"I know. Their real names are in their language." Vickie had told him this. Her real name was Houa which meant cloud. She had a yellow butterfly in her hair and liked Big Macs but couldn't finish them by herself. Sometimes Doug felt like she was making fun of him but that's when he liked her the most.

"He told me China is the oldest country and there are black rivers there and little red bears with tails that live in the mountains. He draws pictures of them."

"Where does he live?"

"In one of those buildings." All the Hmong had arrived together during the summer of 1998, farther back than either boy had memory. The government built three immense cinderblocks for them beside the interstate and very few had resettled since. "I've never been there."

"Let's go there."

"Why?"

"Does he like you?" Jacob descended into himself. He lay back down and pointed his spear into the sky, re-checking its straightness. Doug had to dance to keep his own thoughts from Vickie, who had never seemed so real. She danced deeper and deeper down the more he tried to shake her. At last she redissolved into mist, hidden within and inseparable from the landscape. He wanted to be alone. Jacob had stopped breathing and held his spear perfectly straight, perpendicular to the ground, still and silent.

"Come on!" Doug pleaded. The stick fell. Jacob, still holding his breath, turned to Doug and cocked a dramatic eyebrow all in slow-time.

"When?" He asked in a restrained whisper.

"Tonight!" Jacob rolled his eyes meticulously; it was to remain a game. Doug wondered how much of this Jacob had made up. This high school Andrew and his tiny red bears couldn't possibly be real. How long had he been holding his breath, anyway? The thought seemed to strike Jacob as well: suddenly he smiled broadly and let out a long prolonged sigh.

"Meet at the library at six."








Solutions for Childhood

I wouldn't assume to have reached any level of stability at twenty-five years. Paul Arden places me at the beginning of my Era of Success. Forty-fivers are trying to emulate my life, women want me and children look up to me. Still, I don't feel any better about myself than I did in high school. If shit hit the fan, though, I expect that I'd be able to cope with everything and still keep my composure. I could, for example, raise a kid on my own or get the help I need without destroying my ego. That is, I can cast off all my shortcomings at the drop of a hat IF IT IS REQUIRED OF ME.
My problem, then, is whether or not I will ever acquire such responsibilities through my own accord. It seems that I can narrowly avoid the most horrific future by remaining aloof. My actions create opportunities for responsibility but they have yet to force me into a role. I have a son but am not a father, I have an education and no career, friends without a community and a love that serves no ultimate purpose. Am I truly past the age of working towards someone else's dreams? I feel more prepared to sign a contract than face down the future with only my personal goals to run after.
Instead of being young and impressionable why not pick up a cross and bear it? Get passionate about eating or government, about the environment or education. Find a cause that nets you into a group and saves you from the toils of constant self-definition. Here I envy the European institutes that keep students in their area of greatest aptitude throughout high school, college and even into the real world. Why couldn't I have made choices to keep me closer to scholarship? Why can't I seek out my ilk even now?

The Bottle

After the song by Gil Scott-Heron.

Waking up again and again half way into the day one gets to thinking that living for now isn't really living if it means missing the later. It has been brought forward that the truly meaningful life does not concern itself with the future, extending the family line and improving the state. Instead one should focus on decoding the past in the present. If by means of inebriation one is able to prolong the present and dim the future to the point that the past surfaces as if by its own volition then alcohol is the key to the good life. This seems like a hasty conclusion. Let's take a look at the proposition, first, and then whether drinking does in fact afford us an artistic sentiment.

The proposition is brought forward early on in Anti-Oedipus, an indictment of the capitalist state's use of desire to enslave the masses. The book is a collaboration between two unabashedly French thinkers, Deleuze and Guattari, one of whom is a militarist revolutionary; the other a university philosopher. Alongside the above-mentioned postulate Deleuze and Guattari push numerous complementary arguments with the general aim of resurrecting Nietzsche from the self-imposed grave of his madness, using the Hammer to beat the age old Marx-Frued dichotomy into a decisively modern framework and stitching this framework to the modern world by means of a collective Übermensch that is nothing less than the schizoid population resulting from the strange provocation/repression of the capitalist regime. Whew! Needless to say the earlier-mentioned proposition is native to a rather skewed worldview. Still, it is both obviously existentialist and (though written in 1972) still remarkably applicable to the lives of most young people in metropolises today.

I am young. I live in a metropolis.

Behind the Anti-Oedipal preference for the past/present over the present/future is an almost primal cry for objectivism. Artists are here given more credit than perhaps they deserve. There is a certain 'coolness' to the artistic life that, apart from playing a necessarily unmotivated role in any system, appears to have no place in the typical sober life. It is precisely at this juncture that material reality in the form of abused substances re-enters the equation in a new and covert manner. Whereas heat/energy plays a static part in civilization, as described most convincingly by Thoreau, drugs are as complex and unpredictable as (indeed to a certain point inseparable from) the human brain they alter. In a way the entire Anti-Oedipal framework rests upon the artist's need for personal balance. As this balance is more often than not supported by substance abuse we might imply that Anti-Oedipus is merely another prescription for the perfect drug cocktail that will lead us to Objectivity without the confines of the future placed upon us by the age-old paths afforded by religion and culture.

The bottle, then, has been released from its cultural framework and re-defined in scientific terms as a chemical versus spiritual congress between body and mind. Does this mean we will see a re-emergence of the primitive horticultural (drug) cult? Perhaps the Nutrition Facts label is evidence enough of a movement towards self=substance. Still, I would seek some more nebulous and spiritual means of social congress such as the internet or even the church before settling in to a weekly dose of happiness.

A Corner

... of sorts.

It's mid July. I'm 24. I've lost Steve. I haven't seen my son William yet even though his mother has been deemed unfit after another anorexic meltdown. I just got fired from my job for no reason; I am still too proud.

I want to be a writer, still. This is the first thing I've written since Steve died. I'm trying to stop grinding my teeth. Apparently teeth-grinding is a symptom of the recession. I've always wanted a difficult life. I've always wanted to need to strive to climb out of each morning.

I want to be in love, again. I want to have somebody really care that things should turn out as beautifully as possible. Simple things like listening to the sound of cars or trying to agree upon something that makes you cry. These are things that you don't need to plan ahead for. They are things that you need to be constantly prepared for. I am rarely on point and, worse, have some unfinished philosophy about my ego that doesn't allow for an honest apology:

One the way home from going to a concert with Jessie I received 23 text messages from Janice, a voice-mail and then a phone call. We were at the Smith & 9th St. station. Janice was using a number I didn't recognize. I answered and felt immediately worthless and embarrassed. I felt I would weep about it later. There was no use staying in the moment; I lost focus of the subway station wall as Janice went on about something. Jessie sat down and flipped open her phone. I wanted out of the situation in the best way possible. An impossible task. I said goodbye to Janice and asked Jessie if she wanted to go to the Bronx on Saturday. What's in the Bronx? She wanted to know. I told her I'd never been there. I should have told her that we'd be there. Maybe there's an adventure , a Donnie Darko portal that is really just our future selves having fun. She said her ex-boyfriend was coming to see a free show they saw every year. The Siren Festival. It would be weird. I said Well fuck you and walked away. I gave the peace sign and smiled. I don't know how that came off.

The other day I drank a protein drink and shat myself walking home from the Smith & 9th Station. I felt adrenaline and loved the mind that could drag an incontinent cluster of organs up four flights and into the shower.

I should just shut up with all this nonsense but I won't shut up anymore. I shut up for four months now and it isn't working.